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When Clients Become Inappropriate
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to share with you all an experience I've had in my private practice so that we can all discuss and learn from it. A client became inappopriate with me and I have to terminate our relationship, but looking back on it now, I can see that there were some red flags...
Dan (name has been changed) was a yoga student of mine and regularly attended classes. He was a dedicated student and clearly had been practicing yoga for years. One day, he approached me to give me some feedback after class. I informed him that I have a massage practice in town and I handed him my card, thinking that he might be interested in receiving massage.
About a week later, I received a call from him stating that he would like to book a 90-minute massage with me. I was happy to have a new client and especially someone with whom I have a similar interest. I had him fill out my paperwork and lead him to the table to explain that he was to undress to his level of comfort and lay facedown underneath the topsheet. Our first massage went well, I noticed that he was directive and would indicate exactly where he would like me to work on and for how long, then move me on to the next muscle group. He requested very deep pressure. Afterwards, when it was time to check him out, he asked for the "super best friend's discount." I laughed and told him that I could take $10 off his total.
Dan came in for massage about once a month for the next four months or so. During our second massage, Dan asked if I would like to come over to his house some time to practice yoga with him. During another massage, he suggested that we could do a massage trade sometime, because he has had a lot of massages and he thinks that he would be a good therapist. And during our third massage, he started to undrape himself to expose his buttocks and gluteal cleft while I was working on his back. I would continually redrape him, and he would continually undrape himself. I asked if he was hot, and he replied no. I redraped his entire back and moved on to his posterior legs.
During the last massage, I felt things were getting inappropriate. It was a 90-minute massage and I worked on the posterior side of his body for an hour before having him turn over. He asked me to work on his quads so I undraped his left leg. He started talking, "You know, I've been divorced for 10 years but my ex-wife and I used to massage each other all the time. It was really nice; I miss it." I told him that I only receive massages from professionals. He then asked, "Well since we know each other, do you think you can give me something extra?" I replied, "Absolutely not. That is not what I do." He said, "Oh, I figured you'd say no." I finished the massage as quickly as I could because I felt uncomfortable, however, I did not want to escalate a situation by being rude--I was alone on the floor of the building where I work.
After the massage, I ran out of the room and ran up and down the halls to make sure that no one else was in their office. I even ran upstairs to the apartment above, just to let someone know what had happened in case things escalated when I checked him out, but no one was around. I went back to my office and Dan was waiting for me by my desk. He handed me his payment and said he was sorry if he upset me. I asked him what had given him the idea that it was ok to ask me that. He said that it was nothing I did, that it was him, his energy is all messed up. I explained that I have a professional practice and that I would need to speak to other professionals to handle this. He became upset, whiny even, and said what I good therapist I am and how his judgement was just off. He said my massage has helped him so much and how sorry he is to upset me. I told him that I appreciate his apology, but that I do need to think about how I wish to move forward because I want to maintain the integrity of my practice and that this has never happened to me before. His response was, "Oh, really?" as though he was surprised that I have not encountered this behavoir. I told him that I do not want to take on the role of counselor, but that it seems, based on what he said, that he is having some feelings of loneliness that would lead him to do something like this and that he needs to learn how to control those feelings. He said, "I think a lot of people are lonely though." I told him, "I don't want to be targeted for those emotions."
Now I am thinking about a proper email to write Dan to explain that he has crossed boundaries and should not be receiving professional massage until he is able to make clear distinctions between a therapeutic massage and a massage given to him by his ex-wife. I am thinking back to what I learned in ethics class and some of the terms we learned. Does anyone think that there was some transferrence here? What do you think about the events leading up to his suggestion? Do you think I could have stopped this progression much earlier on? Thanks all for listening and I am looking forward to discussing this with professionals.
Views: 16000
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jimswife on
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This is what we learned in school. We also practiced various scenarios out loud. Helped us to come up with a plan so if we ended up in a situation that seemed "off".
Linda LePelley said:For myself, this is a zero-tolerance situation. My intake form states clearly that any attempted inappropriate interaction, be it verbal or by action, will absolutely result in immediate termination of the session and the therapist/client relationship. Years ago I had to deal with a similar scenario and due to inexperience and shock it became an uncomfortable incident where I had to involve the police and get a restraining order. I learned a valuable lesson, which is to be clear, strong, and deal with such problems immediately and without hestitation. If you don't prevent it or put a stop to it at the moment it begins to develop, your hesitation will be interpreted that you are tempted and are thinking about it, not that you are so surprized you don't know what to say. The time you take struggling with yourself, trying to decide if you understood what they just said, or if they were just kidding, or if you are hoping to think of a way to resolve it without losing a client - is all the time they need to think you really do want to participate. If you don't have it firmly worked out for yourself in your own mind as to how you will respond, you could end up in situations that are not just uncomfortable, but dangerous.
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Erica,
I think all of these comments have been very helpful. Now you are more informed and prepared to look for warning signs and be firm right from the begining. Communication is key. With the draping situation--after he said he wasn't cold you could have asked him, then why are you undraping your glutes? There are laws that require proper draping techniques. Anyways, your comfort level is also very important. I'm glad you told him you will not be working with him again in the future because it wouldn't be comfortable working on him after that situation, no matter how polite he may be. He crossed the line. I think he is acting rather desperate with that second e-mail. Is he still going to your yoga studio?
Also, check out my discussion on hot stones!
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Permalink Reply by Lucianna Johnston on
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I'm sorry I didn't take the time to read all the reply's but I did read your entire post..so forgive me if I am repeating something anyone else has already said. Use this experience as a marker. Remember the feeling of "Dan". The next time a Dan comes through your door you will recognize him/her faster. I think terminating the therapeutic relationship was exactly what you needed to do. I'm sure you could pin point the first red flag if you think about it. As time goes on you will become an expert at recognizing these early red flags. In truth, if a client wants a therapeutic massage there will be no "weirdness" that makes you question their motives. The invitation to his house was probably the first really obvious red flag...just learn from the experience and don't question yourself in the future.
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly Campbell on
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We shouldn't be afraid to hand out our business cards when we are out running our regular errands or involved in group activities. No matter what we do to try and avoid it, people take things different and have different ways of seeing things. I don't think Erica did anything wrong, and possibly as the client saw it neither did he, but sometimes these things happen and it's better to follow our gut feelings every time.
Jody C. Hutchinson said:ER,
Your client may have confused the boundary when you gave him your card as an MT. This may be a dual relationship or at least confusing to him as to where the line is drawn. I'm not sure about the transference but he was really pushing against your boundaries with the draping as well as being unaware of his offensive behavior. I'm wondering if he is really unconsciously acting out something -maybe there is some transference. I think you did the right thing, this is a learning experience for you and next time you will know how to act.
Cheers,
jh
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It sounds to me that this client showed signs from the beginning. The red flags for me are:
- asking for the "super best friend's discount"
- asking you to come to his house to do yoga
- asking you to trade massages with him
- scooching the sheet down to expose his behind
- even directing your work during the first session could have been taken as a red flag depending on other indications...
I'm not sure how you responded to the other flags, but I would not have given him any discount for his first session unless I had originally offered it. But, for the record, I do very little discounting in my practice anyway and I have never offered discounts to my friends as I don't require my friends to become my clients.
As for his other requests, I would have simply but firmly stated that:
- I only see yoga students at the studio
- I only trade massage with professional therapists
- Please leave the sheet where I have it. If you're hot, I'm happy to adjust the temperature of the room, but if you continue to expose yourself, I will terminate this session
I am sorry this happened to you and I agree that firing this client is the best course of action you can take. This is definitely a situation you can learn from in the unfortunate event this should occur again.
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Permalink Reply by Mary Geitner on
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I think you handled this beautifully! Such a slippery slope; hindsight is always illuminating but I wouldn't agonize about missing clues, etc. The sheet off the gluteal fold thing would have alerted me for sure, but I know how easy it is not to talk, announce, assume in the moment. Something I could work on--being clear and curious, exposing any funky energy, in teh moment. Sounds like things were friendly enough up to the point where it was "more" than friendly and you dealt with the boundary breach promptly when it was called for. This guys sounds lonely and he's obviously reaching out, testing the waters, but nothing harmful or overly aggressive. His apology and candid self-disclosure to me meant he wasn't intending harm, just connection (inappropriate, as it were...) I think it's true that we therapists understand and lean into boundaries than any client ever would; it's part of our education and our ethical responsibility to clarify and uphold these. Clients will be clients -- and they clearly come in all types.
Seems like he's feeling some shame and confusion around it as well. At the risk of sounding too lax, the final exchange/proposition sounds "innocent" enough. What I mean by that, I guess, is that I see a great opportunity for compassion and clarity on your part, not rude (again, you did this so beautifully!) If it were me, I'd kindly and clearly sever the massage relationship for sure but in a generous, "I understand, and this I still don't want to be targeted for these emotions (or lonliness, counselor, etc.), so I would feel most comfortable ending this relationship."I would do this in a phone call, if you can muster it, and say you will be sending him a letter in regards to terminating the professional relationship. Kind of makes it both personal and professional. If he hounds you, ignore him. If he can't take a clear directive from you, that's another boundary breach, in my opinion.
I'd honor the severing for at least for 6 months to a year? Maybe forever? Just throwing that out there. But it does take times to sever strong energy, and time gives him a chance to feel your clean and clear boundary, forgive himself, move on, and ideally find an outlet for some of his personal work. At least in the beginning, it sounded like you guys were friends, which is worth something...and may resurface eventually.
Would love to hear what you decide...
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Hi Erica, My name is ASH. Firstly, I would like to say that I am sorry for your experience, and secondly, from my experience, it is very hard to come back to a client-therapist relationship, because some clients cannot leave their feelings at the door. If you do decide to forgive and forget, I would schedule his next apts when you are sure someone will be near you and that you tell people around you about the situation. I always find talking to them directly and firmly in a crowded place, like after your next yoga lesson, is better then sending an email, because emails can be interpreted to what people what them to say. A clean break is normally better then being tense and hoping nothing happens every time he has an apt with you. You may even want to consider finding a new yoga studio. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Gary W Addis, LMT on
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well said, Daniel
Daniel Cohen said:This is an interesting discussion as I think it is highly gender oriented. From my viewpoint he asked, you said no, matter ended. But I see you viewpoint that it continues to have repercussions. I don't see anywhere that he questioned your professionalism as a therapist. He is not a massage therapist and probably unaware of the importance to most MTs of a code of ethics. However, the fact that the request was made, does that violate ethics? You refused and upheld the code. He was under no such requirement as a client. I am interested in why the relationship now firmly defined could not continue. Is it embarrassment resulting from the incident? He would probably be your most proper client from that point on. Is this regarded as harassment that can't be forgotten? Harassment only occurs when an inappropriate request is repeated after being rejected. If you don't mind my questions, I am curious to better understand this viewpoint.
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Erica, I'm not sure if you're still monitoring this thread but I just found this site and reading through your post got me thinking about a few things...
there is no going back once they cross that line with you(or any CMT)...
...attraction is just that, an attraction- who's magnetic polarity will not change unless acted upon by some other force. someone so bold as to disrespect our profession by assuming the falsely hyped stereotype(prostitution) about Massage Therapists in the new pop culture and act upon it, will continue to do so until the reward for that behavior is no longer reinforced. good for you in standing your ground and thank you. I believe if you continue a disrespected and cheapened professional relationship it remains cheapened and you might as well charge less for it and call it something else... so now, there is one more person in the world who will see differently and respect the role of the Massage Therapist in society and perhaps, even, will direct others in the course of normal conversation to do the same.
my main employment is totally unrelated to the MT field so I was always picky in to whom, or how I introduced myself as a CMT in my personal or business relationships. some acquaintances in some circumstances may get mixed messages in the how and why you are advertising to them...
... that made me wonder about your situation. when 'Dan' first approached you, did he maybe get the idea in yoga class that you were single and 'looking'? and just approaching you after class to make a pass at you? the (otherwise professional on your part) invitation to your 'private massage studio' might sound like something completely different to some young buck with 'mad cows disease'... and hence the 'Super Best Friends Discount' after the first session, 'my place for yoga' after the second session, etc...
you mentioned that the floor or apartment building? where your studio is/was located was unoccupied at that time when the incident occurred...
the type of your practice and location may dictate a few extra steps on your part to command the respect of a more clinical therapeutic massage office setting with multiple practitioners and office personnel running around during daylight business hours.
I don't think 'Dan the Man' should refrain from receiving professional massage altogether, but rather, should go get more massages from therapists like you Erica, with that good strong work ethic that gets offended by unwarranted solicitation... that should be all he needs to get over his boundary issues between personal/sexual touch and the Therapeutic Touch practiced by us.
as for me, if someone makes a sexual attraction known, its over. period. refer out. that also includes myself; I usually have the restraint of a shaolin monk, but if ever even just my thoughts were to wander towards the 'other side'... our professional relationship is over and I'd be obligated to refer out.
there are plenty of other good Massage Therapists out there willing to help- I'm one of them...
CJ
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Permalink Reply by Neal Lyons on
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nothing wrong with what you did. it takes professional courage and courtesy to do what you did. this is exactly what we advise when we are asked by new massage therapists. the key is professional tone and a cordial demeanor/relationship if you run into the individual.
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